It's A Wonderful Life

Every now and then I have an outwardly insignificant moment that leaves me as awed as Moses must have felt after God parted the Red Sea. Life rushes on but for all practical purposes, it seems as if time stands still. God decides to show His glory in one of His characteristically unusual ways and I know without doubt I'll never be the same. Yes, I may briefly forget to apply what I just saw, but I'm well aware of the fact that I'll never again be able to claim ignorance to this particular truth. In fact, handwriting on a wall might have been a little less obvious to my easily distracted self. 

For awhile, my adventurous life has felt routine. The craziness of hopping around the world has somehow become the norm. That's hard to believe, I know, but a decade is a long time to be doing anything, even if it is something you love. As the trips increased in frequency, I began to feel somewhat...I don't know...dissatisfied. That might not even be the right word because I honestly adore every minute from the time I pack my bags right up until the time I drag my jet-lagged body off the plane in Tampa. When I say that I'm more comfortable in a 3rd world slum than any mall in America, I'm not joking: I have a weird ability to adapt to icy showers, lack of AC, sleeping on concrete, squatty potties, dust and grime, crazy bugs, poisonous snakes, strange languages, smells, food and just about anything else that comes with it. Nevertheless, my old battle with wanting to settle somewhere out there and really minister has started haunting my daydreams again. I love the experiences God has given me and I'm extremely grateful but...

But.

Who knew that one tiny word could signify so much?

I, for one, didn't realize it until several months ago. One day, I was emailing back and forth with my friend Lisa. We were talking about life as usual when she joked about whether I was even in the US, and if not,  what country was I in that month. Her next sentence went something like this..."remember when we used to sit and drink coffee years ago and you dreamed about the day you would lead trips all over the world introducing people to missions, spend your time encouraging missionaries and designing for them?! So cool how God gave you exactly what you asked for!" Like I said before, writing on the wall couldn't have been more obvious. I felt like smacking my forehead with my palm. Seriously. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get this trust thing right.

God knows what it will take to get our attention. In my case, it was an innocent comment made by a sweet friend who had listened to me dream for years and recognized God's faithfulness where my own ungratefulness had blinded me. In that instant, I saw a younger version of myself sitting at our booth at Panera early one Friday morning. My eyes were sparkling with the God-sized dreams and adventures that were piling up in my heart. I leaned forward in my seat, enthusiastically gushing about the direction I felt my life was headed. How on earth could I have forgotten about all of that? How could I have failed to see that God once again given me my heart's desire? So many times I've seen Him do the impossible. So many times I've been granted wishes that I never dared share with any soul besides my Lord. How could I have gotten so far ahead of myself again? The answer, of course, is that I'd gotten ahead of God. 

I wish it didn't take me several tries to learn most lessons. I suppose the encouraging part is that when it hits me this hard, it usually sticks. What I learned is that there simply can't be "I'm grateful but...". If there's a but, then you're not truly grateful. I was humbled in a heartbeat by how great my God is. Oh Lord, I know I don't deserve any of it. "Yes, I know you've allowed me to go here and experience this and have the freedom for that but now I'd rather be there..." My own words sickened me. Unintentionally I was acting like a spoiled brat and yet He continued to pour out His blessings on my life. I don't understand why, but I know it's His grace. His unmerited favor. It's amazing how perspective changes things. My life was exactly the same as it had been mere seconds before but I suddenly felt like someone gave me glasses with the correct prescription after years of wearing the wrong lenses. In fact, I'd have to say the emotion is slightly reminiscent of how Jimmy Stewart must have felt after he was given a second chance in It's A Wonderful Life.

I AM living my dream...God's dream. Why on earth did He take this shy little girl from Seminole and give her so much? Oh how He loves us...that's the only reason I can think of.

When you look at life through the lens of gratefulness, it's hard to contain the excitement: the "regular" package now looks like a precious gift. How truly blessed I am to have this life! It's not perfect. I have bad days just like everyone else. In the past few weeks, I've popped a tire, ran over a squirrel, spilled coffee down the front of a new shirt, lost a former co-worker to sudden death, felt the pain of a friend's betrayal...I could keep going. But you know what? I can CHOOSE to focus on Jesus and rejoice in every moment or I can choose to focus on the arrows (or future dreams!) and miss seeing the blessings. On a particularly bad day last week, I found my heart overflowing with joy because of Jesus. In light of His face, does the rest even matter? The only time we can enjoy God's presence is in the current moment!

As usual, Lisa laughed as I thanked her for what she unknowingly taught me. More than likely, my life won't always be like this...for all I know, I could be racing against the "single" time-clock. I highly doubt that when/if I ever get married that I'll keep doing my globe-trotting...at least with this frequency! I don't know what God has in store for my life, but I know I can trust Him...every dream He's given me, He's brought to pass in His timing. I can choose to look at the past 10 years as a long time of doing the same thing or I can look at the past 10 years as an incredible journey and precious gift that I may not always have. Now, which one sounds more exciting? It really is all about perspective.

"She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." Proverbs 31:25

Those days to come will be here soon enough and based on God's track record, I know they'll be exciting. I hope I'll have my eyes open to see it this time. In the meantime, I'm going to grab hold of my blessings and enjoy what He's given me. I'm so incredibly grateful! No more buts...

All or Nothing

One of my favorite things in the world is a well-worn Bible. I confess, I'm a "writer": my Bibles are filled with notes, circles, arrows, exclamation points, cross references, thoughts, questions, tear stains and more. This may sound strange to you but my old Bibles are almost like dear friends to me. I can pick up the NIV Study Bible that I wore out in college and by merely flipping through it, my mind reads between the lines of my notes, taking me back in time more accurately than a journal. I've always been bad with verse references, but if I'm holding my own Bible I can find passages by "feel"...I just know what page it's on and where it's located even if I may not remember what book or chapter to look in. Several days after taking the picture on the left, I had to get a new Bible to replace the one that's resting in my lap. (which is a story in itself!) As I cracked the new one open, I felt a tiny bit of sadness over the loss of my old familiar ESV, but I also felt excitement over having another chance to read the Word of God with fresh eyes. What would leap off the unmarked pages this time? What truths would He reveal that I hadn't noticed yet?

God's Word is truly living. The more I live in it, the more I hunger for it and the more it permeates my life. There's no explanation other than it being the work of the Spirit. I have a thought and a verse instantly flies through my mind. A question arises and suddenly Scripture comes flooding in, sometimes before I even have time to mentally work through the thought entirely. A situation comes up and a passage rushes front and center, its character stepping off the pages and into my life, showing me how to handle whatever it is that I'm facing. I've said before that my memory is horrible; I can't remember obvious things such as who was with me on a life-changing trip several years back (an example of yet another recent memory failure) so there is no way I should be able to remember a passage I heard when I was kid or a verse I memorized 15 years ago. I've read thousands of books and I can tell you for a fact that this doesn't happen with any one of them.

Thanksgiving

Smells of turkey, ham, stuffing, pies and other sorts of yummy goodness are wafting in from the other room and the TV is blaring a football game for the men of the family. Friends will be arriving soon to eat and after naps, more football and a dinner of turkey sandwiches, another wave of friends will wander in. Somehow, over the years, a tradition has developed where my house is the place to be for pumpkin pie, other desserts, games and late-night fellowship. Although it's never a spoken invite, the doors are always open. At times, we've had more than 20 friends show up and I'm wondering what this year will hold.

As my long, fun day is about to start, I have Thanksgiving on my mind. But not just the holiday feast or even what this day stands for. I'm thinking about faith. And life. Struggles and blessings. And how every aspect of our lives are meant to be met with thankful hearts. At the end of my life, I want nothing more than people to say, that girl loved Jesus with everything she had and wow, her trust in God was unshakeable! Of course, I have a long way to go because as much as I strive to trust the Lord (if you've read any of my other blogs, you know) it's a constant struggle for me.

Bittersweet Symphony

I'm quickly learning that one of the hardest parts of my life is stepping into the roles God calls me, embracing every moment and all of the people I encounter, loving them with abandon and then leaving it all when He moves me on. Several years after I wrote that and two weeks after my flight home from Guyana, these sentiments are once again tracing familiar paths across my heart.

Whenever I'm alone, my mind speeds back across the murky brown river to the island of Leguan. The wind and river water whip my face, but just like last time, I don't care. After a little while, the motor fades and the rickety wooden boat drifts to a stop. I once again remove my shoes and lower my feet over the side and into the warm water, balancing myself as the thick mud squishes between my toes. Slowly shuffling towards shore, I struggle to keep my bags high enough so that they stay dry. It feels so familiar, except that this time the beach isn't empty upon our arrival...in my mind, it's filled with the faces of people that I love. They stand right where my memory left them, but now, excited smiles replace the tears that haunt me.

Who Am I?

Sometimes I enjoy blogging for no other reason than to be able to look back at my "recorded" life and see just how far God has brought me. Over the past few months, God has really been pouring into me, so much so that I could probably blog all day about what He's been teaching me. Even now, my mind is racing in at least 5 different directions I could go with this, and I just may if the pumpkin spice latte I had earlier kicks in.

But the subject that's being pushed to the surface of my heart is one that requires more than just a tiny bit of vulnerability. As all of those who have intimate walks with Jesus know, so often, those times of overflowing in our lives go hand in hand with His lovingly bringing to light a glaring flaw. And that's where I am. Because of the paths God has led me down, over the years my trust in the Lord has grown from almost non-existent to a sort of badge I unconsciously put on. I'm the girl that trusts Jesus with everything. I'm the girl that seeks the Lord in every situation. I'm the girl that waits on the Lord always. People see me as the strong one. The unshakeable one. And as much as I want that to be true regarding my trust in Him, it's a badge I can't wear.